i am really so confused right now. i have so many problems and i don't have enough resources to solve them.
it is really hard to survive without any experience in surviving. it's like going to war without ammunitions. it's like skydiving without a parachute. i don't have anything to protect me from mosquito bites and bee stings. right now, i'm in this predicament when all i can do is wait(dumdidumdidumdidumdidumdidum...)

i hated myself when i did not object to my family when they told me i needed to go to the States. I don't hate my family, though. i just hated the idea that i wasn't ready when they sent me here. i was not geared up. now, i have a darrell who doesn't even know what's going on with his parents and who is not even aware of the chaos that's happening around him.
this is all my fault. i could've stayed with my silly-ass job and get sponsored instead of taking that big leap towards a situation i never knew would make my life like hell.

i thought things will be fine for me and my kids when i met this knucklehead dirty old man(man, i'm so rude, huh?-read on, you'll understand). at first, of course, everything was great. he told me what his life was before he met me. this is the first time i'm gonna let this be known to my "people." i just don't want people to be misinformed about the man i am with. it is hard for me but, i believe this will give me a lighter load afterwards. i am just in the bridge of breaking down and going crazy. the man i am with is a parolee. he has been in and out or prison for the longest for dealing and using drugs. from his story, he started young because obviously, he needed to have money for he has a handful of children. he got greedy until he just went on and on without fearing prison time. all he wanted was the "cheese." i really did not pay attention to his past but, as i went on with the relationship, i noticed he is still the same person that he was when he was still with his "bitch." since his common wife treated him bad-cheated on him, fooled him, lied to him-he started seeing me as such. he controlled every little thing in the house--from the money that i spend for food, for myself, for the house and to the clothes that i wear, the people that i talk to, the places we go to, the things i do. he would have a fit if he sees me in JEANS. he would yell at me if he sees me wearing a skirt. he would curse me out if i decide to go to a club with my friends or have dinner with the girls.

everybody knows that when someone locks me in a cage, i find a way to escape. i was a natural-born rebel. if you stop me, the more i'll push on doing it. if you impose rules on me, i'll definitely won't follow them. he had the right approach when we were just starting. but, when i realized that he was trying to control me, i started to drift away from him. i started to contradict everything that he wanted. i wanted to show him that i am not gonna give in to his wishes. i may be his "bitch" but, i'm not his SLAVE. i started to take care of my business. i took care of myself and my family, especially my kids against his will. i kept my own money and spent them the way i pleased. i stopped doing things for him. i realized that i live in a country where men should know how to treat the women in the house fairly. i work 5 days a week and being a woman doesn't mean i need to be loaded with things to do for the house. i admit, i am a very lazy person. he's lucky that i used to do things in the house but, when i thought about it, i told myself to stop, rethink things and go on with my life. i will not stink if i don't wash his clothes. i will not starve if i don't cook for him. i will not get sick if i don't clean after him. as my grandma puts it, "no one dies from being filthy..." he curses me every freakin' day. i don't care. what i know is that i don't neglect my baby. i don't care about him anymore. i admit, i used to but, because he's an insane, overjealous son of a bitch, i will never last another month putting up with his shit.

i have my issues and problems but, i believe that i m still a normal person who just made a huge mistake. i want to fix it as soon as possible but, i am concerned that i might lose my youngest son. in this fuckin' country, they never value the basic unit of the society. all they want is for thier freakin' laws to be implemented on people.

i hope i get settled before i go crazy, or before i lose my mind. in this day and age, men are supposed to be equal with women but, i guess because the man i'm with right now is almost as old as "kopong-kopong," he is still a chauvinistic pig.

i believe in KARMA. what goes around, comes around. that would be the happiest day of my life when he gets what he deserves. in a few months, i should be able to get things done for me and my Darrell and hopefully for my Luis, Jom and Tyrone... and of course, "AKIN PA RIN ANG HULING HALAKLAK!!!" (i still have the last laugh)